I’ve spent all day trying to find inspiration and energy.
I have none.
I go through the motions.
I’m not even upset about it.
At 6 the thing which has been annoying me turns up. My energy jumps. Its not anger. Its inspiration.
What do you do when the thing which you don’t want to be is all that you need to be?
There’s a kick I get when I believe that no one can keep up.
It makes me feel good to push work back onto others; you get paid more than me, earn it.
Determination and hard work are all I’ve ever had.
I’d like to be good on my team, but I’m not a great team player.
A trip to the dentist brings back the oldest memories. I’m transported back. I can feel my mums hand. I miss holding it.
The anaesthetic takes part of my conscious mind away. I’m nervous. I sing Good Vibrations to myself.
Look! Listen! Vibrate! Smile!
Questions take my mind away. The guitarist who replaced David Marks? The two new recruits on Sail on Sailor?
Why haven’t I listened to any of their other work?
Thank you Brian.
An old film reminds me of a turning point in my life.
I never came back from there.
I never wanted to.
I watch it as I get rid of items: Determined to make it to the tent and the pair of jeans and 3 t shirts
A friend of a friend once told me he enjoyed walking around his city at night.
Enjoying the city.
The remark sounded like the greatest secret I’d been missing.
In another secret I stumble across a piece of footage so well crafted that the star metamorphosis infront of me.
Old friends take a trip to a memorial with me.
Its packed. T-shirts and tattoos everywhere.
We laugh when we leave. Old jokes keeping our friendship alive. Old memories reminding us of our past together.
Top ten lists are compared.
New dates are set.
He adds so much to my life. But he has no idea.
Because I never tell him.
Melancholia fuelled by pop.
Literature. Bowie Mail.
I’m grateful to friends.
Grateful to memories
Grateful to pop.
I examine problems now radically differently to how I did two years ago.
Does that make me better?
Its interesting to look back.
Someone calls me committed. I smile.
Todays not the day for a big head though. There’s work to be done. There’s points to be proved.
Its a day where caffeine helps.
Then caffeine hinders.
Then friends help.
Then friends hinder.
Eno and Byrne help me to focus; to enjoy learning; to strive to switch on my brain.
I enjoy their influence